Don’t you know who I am?

Have you ever been with someone who thinks they’re so important that everyone should know who they are? Are you important enough to yourself to know who you are?

I remember many years ago my work team being taken out to dinner by one of our company executives as recongition for a big project we completed. We worked for a large bank and he wanted to take us to a new restaurant that had just opened that week. So in we went, all suited and booted, full of our own importance and looking forward to a good night on the company tab. It was obvious from the start that maybe we should have waited a week before trying it out. The staff were looking stressed, they couldn’t find our booking and when we sat down the menus were obviously hastily put together (typos and spelling mistakes all over the place). The crunch came when we wanted to order wine.

The exec we were with likes his fine wines and when he looked at the wine list he was pleasantly surprised by the quality of wines on offer. That was until he asked for one. “Sorry, we don’t have that in stock yet,” was the reply to the first request. The second choice didn’t get much better. “Sorry, not got that one either.” Having worked with this exec for a few years, I could tell what was going to happen next. He was of the old school of management and was either the most sociable, charismatic person to be with, or he would blow your head off with a spray of language that wouldn’t be tolerated nowadays.

However, surprisingly quietly, he beckoned the manager to our table, pulled him close and said to him, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The silence was palpable as he waited for a reply. Of course the manager had no clue (as would most of the rest of the city we were in) and just looked at him, perhaps trying to remember his face from a previous encounter. After what felt like an hour but was probably closer to twenty seconds, the exec broke the silence. “I’m the banker who approved the financing of this restaurant, and if you don’t get your act together, I’ll pull your funding tomorrow.”

The manager didn’t blink. He stood up straight and gave a polite reply, but did not back down. He apologised for not having the wines we wanted, then delivered the killer line. “With respect sir, the reason we don’t have the wines you requested was that the funding your institution promised us did not happen when you said it would. In fact the monies were only released yesterday. Therefore we haven’t been able to buy the stock that we had committed to, which is why our wine list is somewhat sparse. The owners have had to plough even more of their own money in just to get us open tonight. Therefore I can recommend this rather reasonably priced merlot.”

Well that shut the table up!

Although that happened some time ago, it still remains in my mind as a lesson in confidence and knowing who you are and what you stand for.

The bad side of the coin was the exec trying to throw his weight about by using the “Don’t you know who I am?” phrase. He was so full of his own self-worth and self-importance that he felt he had the upper hand.

On the other side, the manager was not intimidated by this chest-beating and bullying. He could have slinked off, made some excuses and stressed about the restaurant losing it’s funding. But to my mind, he stuck to his values and principles. He did not let the bully suck the energy from him. He knew what was right and said so. He knew who he was and what he stands for.

So who am I?

You’d think by now I would, but the trouble is, I don’t really know.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. The sad truth is that I’m not entirely sure, even though I am well into what would have been traditionally seen as the last few years of a working life. Retirement shouldn’t have been far away, but times have changed and it has forced me to think differently about myself.

Coming from the baby boomer generation, I have seen immense changes in society, both good and bad. One of the big changes perhaps in more recent years has been around self-awareness. In my generation, our parents expected that you go to school, go to university, get a job in an office and work your way up the career ladder and retire to play golf. Just like they did. No chance of doing something different that might have some risks. I dreamed of being a professional golfer, or playing drums in a band on a cruise ship sailing round the world, being a best selling author, and had many more childhood dreams that never saw the light of day in any meaningful way. Too risky. Get an education and a good job and you’ll be set for life. My parents just wanted what they perceived to be the best for me, and I’m certainly not blaming them for that.

But when I think back on those dreams and where I am now, I have started to wonder who I really am.

If I don’t know who I am, I could never have the balls to say to anyone else “Don’t you know who I am?” (Not that I would ever pull that crap phrase on anyone!).

I have never really had a life plan. On the face of things, I’ve done pretty well adapting to the opportunities in front of me. I’ve had great experiences, met some wonderful people and lived in some fantastic places. But I feel unfulfilled. I have been living my life to other people’s expectations and filling their energy bottles while draining mine.

If I were to ask people who they think I am, I’d get a pretty positive response I think. I’m pretty well balanced, I’m not aware of any psychotic tendencies (but if I was a psychopath, would I know?). But I’m so middle of the road, vanilla, non-descript. I have a wonderful partner and I feel we have so much more to do and give to the world.

So I’ve decided to spend a little time asking myself who I am. I know there are many, many tools and self-help books out there that say they will help me do that. But there is only one person who can really do it, and that is me.

Even in my mid-fifties, it’s time to take a breath, take stock of life and work out what the next chapters hold. Is it time for you to do that too?

Maybe that’s the key question you also need to ask yourself. Don’t feel you have to know all the answers by the time you’re 23. Life changes and you have to change with it. I do know I am a different person than I was 30 years ago. I’ve grown in many different ways (sadly including my expanding waistline), but I still don’t really know who I am. When I find out, I’ll let you know. Or maybe I won’t have to let you know, you’ll just recognise me for who I am.

Did we drink the merlot?

Of course we did — and it was good. The exec didn’t blow a gasket, but instead told the manager that he was sorry the company had put him in this situation and he would investigate it. True to his word, he did the following day and some other people felt the heat of his dragon breath for having let a customer down.

We enjoyed a great evening, the ice had melted and even though we thought we “knew” who the exec was, we learned a bit more about him that evening. The food was great, the service was great and the restaurant went on to become one of the most popular in the city.

Now it’s time to learn a bit more about myself, just by asking myself “Do I know who I am?”

Do you know who you are?